I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
