at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
