I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
