Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
