I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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