At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
