From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
