He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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