Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
