So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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