What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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