We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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