I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she told me i tasted like america
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
