i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
