two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
