Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize