I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
