when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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