I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
