when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
