I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
