I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
