You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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