Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
