Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
