my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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