The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
