I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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