mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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