I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
