Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
