i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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