Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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