I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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