Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
