I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
