He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
