shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
