I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
