Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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