Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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