he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
