Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
