So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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