I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
