Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
