can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize