Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
