Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
