Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize