Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
