How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
