remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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