all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
