new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
