Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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