Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
