hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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