Apparently you make a good broom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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