You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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