somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
