The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
