Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
