Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
