i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
