Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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